From House of Cards to Mr Robot: which TV voiceover are you?

Posted by on Jun 21, 2017 in Voice-Over | 0 comments

Whether it’s Dear White People’s snarky commentary, Frank Underwood’s sneery asides, the jolly inanities of W1A, or Mr Robot’s existential angst, sometimes a TV show’s authorial voice can really get inside your head. Take this test to see who is delivering your internal monologue…

Your alarm goes off. Time to wake up

a) “I’ve been deemed suitable to commentate on events, as one option in a ‘funny’ quiz! Apparently, this is a thing those cultured Brits are into.”

b) “The wolf is awake before his prey, picturing the blood before it spills. I am hungry today.”

c) “For the first time in 24 hours, it’s 7am: traditionally, the start of some sort of day.”

d) “Hello. I suppose you want to know what’s about to happen. But if you knew, you’d never get out of bed. Better to succumb to delusion.”

At work, you start with an intensely dull meeting

a) “Is the one person present who is not WhatsApping under the table the winner … or the loser?”

b) “While they talk and talk and talk, I imagine how they’d look if I sliced off their faces and tossed them to the dogs.”

c) “Back in the conference area, Janet has literally come up with a plan.”

d) “Six people, in a room like all the others. How many of them really exist? Who would notice if I stood up now and screamed?”



Posing a question … the cast of Dear White People. Photograph: Adam Rose/Netflix

Lunchtime. Time to hit the sandwich shop!

a) “There they go, carefully choosing the most on-trend coffee and the wokest vegan fillings. Nobody cares, but do they care?”

b) “Moments ago I was at the back of the line. Now I hold an egg bap in the palm of my hand. Queuing is overrated.”

c) “Meanwhile, it’s becoming increasingly apparent that the chicken mayo situation shows no sign of improvement.”

d) “So many options, designed to give us the illusion of control. I order the soup. I find solace in the random bobbing of croutons.

Uh-oh. The boss is reading that half-arsed report you wrote

a) “Too short? No footnotes? It just stops halfway through a page? My, my. Everyone’s a critic.”

b) “Oh, it’s bad. But provoking his rage is easy. Now to deflect it towards the most deserving victim. Tom in Accounts will feel my revenge.”

c) “Back in his office, Adrian is once again reminded of the extent of his team’s talents.”

d) “When he hits Save, the file will corrupt. Who will he beg for help? Me. Who controls him? Me. Who hacked the vending machine and got a free Boost? Me.”



Good sports … the cast of W1A . Photograph: Jack Barnes/BBC

After work, you drag yourself to the gym

a) “Ah, the gym. A room with more sweaty low self-esteem than Gigi Hadid’s Instagram followers.”

b) “Death is a necessary end. So much effort to postpone the inevitable. I prefer to die by the sword.”

c) “In the executive fitness suite, several members of staff are standing in a line, running.”

d) “Forty press-ups. Twenty squats. Eight milligrams of Lucozade. Every movement to a formula I devised. My pedometer chafes me.”

Later, you arrive at a restaurant for a blind date

a) “Behold! The blind date. One of the last vestiges of analogue conversation.”

b) “Here he comes now. Fresh meat. I almost feel pity.”

c) “It’s Tuesday at 8pm in the evening, and two people are meeting for a tentative tête-a-tête.”

d) “Another set of meaningless interactions, in thrall to our primal urges. Red or white? Chicken or fish? Straight or anal? I choose darkness.”



I am a cyber thinker … Rami Malek in Mr Robot. Photograph: USA Network/Getty

The date has gone well. You are having sex!

a) “Both participants had checked a box. For a moment, they felt less insignificant. But only for a moment!”

b) “Conquest. When the pants are off, you can smell their weaknesses. Another soul is in my grasp.”

c) “In the bedroom, trousers and expectations are being rapidly lowered.”

d) “What game are we playing? I have learned all the moves, but there is no way to win. I feel nothing.”

ANSWERS

Mostly a) Dear White People. How was your day? Let’s analyse the crap out of it, with maximum snark!

Mostly b) House of Cards. It’s a constant war. Are you winning? Or are you just another victim?

Mostly c) W1A. Life is absurd, everyone’s a fool and, what’s worse, your inner voice is kind of annoying.

Mostly d) Mr Robot. You’ve got problems but hey, none of this is really happening. Or is it?

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